Fathers Day will never be the same...

This Tuesday we were scheduled to make a visit to the Dr to have our first ultrasound for our third child. Instead we woke up this past Thursday morning to have our world turned upside down... Let me back up a little bit. As many of you know we have been blessed with 2 beautiful children; Sierra Nicole (July 12th 2003) and Raquel Elizabeth (September 17th 2005) Due to life circumstances and where we were living discussions of other children weren't really an option. Once we moved into our house last year we began having those discussions again of having another or pursuing adoption/foster parenting. For a long time, I had wanted another child of our own but Sarah wasn't as enthusiastic but we both knew adoption was something near to our hearts so we began praying towards that. Several months ago, I had become content with not having any more biological children but then Sarah said she wasn't sure she was ready to be done. So we agreed to pray about it for a little while and then come together and discuss. On May 4th, during a late Friday night conversation we decided to go ahead and sign up for foster parenting classes later this summer. We finally were in agreement on a course of action :-) on Monday I came home from work to my very surprised wife who told me that we were going to be having another baby. We were very shocked by God's very definitive answer to us "making our own plans" :-) but we were both very excited. We told the girls and our parents on Mothers Day and began telling a few friends here and there! I wanted to rent a plane to fly around a banner announcing the news but at the request of my wife I tried to temper myself :-) As I mentioned we were going in 2 days to have the ultrasound and then begin letting everyone know our news! Sarah had been very worried because she had a couple of friends who had gone through miscarriages so we had been praying together at night for God to protect the baby and keep her and us from worry! Thursday morning I woke up and was preparing to go to work when Sarah cried out to me from the bathroom. She was having light bleeding and cramping and at that moment I think I knew what was going to happen but was trying to be hopeful. Those next 4 hours time went agonizingly slow from trying to call the Dr and schedule an appt and them not turning off their answering machine till 10 minutes after they opened to the agonizing wait for the ultra-sound to hearing the words "your baby stopped growing at 5.5 weeks." It was all so surreal and painful to hear, but then to know that the worst part was yet to come! I half-heartedly went to work that afternoon and thankfully I already had Friday scheduled off to spend with my parents, the girls and Sarah as we were going to the Cuyahoga Valley Scenic Railroad. At Sarah's request, we all went ahead on the trip which was extremely difficult for me to leave her but thankfully she had some friends who came over and visited with her throughout the day. I lost it a few times on the train and throughout the day but it was good to have a distraction. Saturday was very difficult because I didn't want to do anything and Sarah was in a lot of pain. That was the most difficult thing about this for me; knowing and seeing my wife in pain and knowing that there was nothing I could do except be with her and wait for "it" to happen. I don't like feeling helpless. So we watched movies all day, visited with some friends who stopped by and were very thankful that my parents took the girls all day and did stuff with them so we could spend time together. As many of you know I work in the nursery at our church because I LOVE babies and work every other week in there. I was not scheduled to be in there this morning. I went back and forth all day yesterday between calling our nursery coordinator and quitting to calling her and asking her to work in there this morning so I could cuddle with some of my favorite babies. I chose the latter and am glad I did. I took the girls and went to the nursery but then towards the end one of our friends came running down the hall and said I needed to call Sarah right away. "It" had happened, I sped home crying and scared because I had never dealt with this before. How do you deal with the loss of a life from someone you never got to meet. Now there are so many decisions to make (do we name the baby that we don't even know the gender of?, do we have a funeral, do we plant a bush or plant in memory of, do we give the baby a 'date of death'... or do we not do those things so that we don't "hold onto the pain" like someone suggested...) I never knew before we "joined the club" how many people were a part of it, some multiple times over. I know I have tried to sympathize and offer condolences to them but now I realize how inadequate it is. Not that we or they don't appreciate receive messages, texts and phone calls because I really really do but there is nothing you can really say or do except, "I love you and I'm there if you need me" so thank you to all of you that have done that, I appreciate it a lot; but all I feel and know right now at this moment is that Father's Day will never be the same.